


Remind Me Why We're Trying To Get Hifumi To Love Us Again?

by hopeforbagels



Series: Anonymous Hopeful's Summer of Fanfiction [3]
Category: Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Competition, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, Dating, Drag Queens, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-09 12:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11104416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeforbagels/pseuds/hopeforbagels
Summary: It started of as a normal detention with three guys,. Then, Leon, with his Super High School Level Challenge in place, had given each guy, dressed as their female alter egos, the task to win Hifumi's heart.





	1. The Ultimate Man's Competition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChibiBreeby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiBreeby/gifts).



> One day, long ago, I had let ChibiBreeby know I was doing a story with drag. Wether or not she remembers is on me. Now, this exists. I'd gift this to anyone who appreciates this, tbh.
> 
>  
> 
> If you want your name taken off this, just let me know :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, so this is a thing now? Is it a good thing?

It was another day at Hope's Peak. Well, afternoon, really. While other students were participating in club activities or hanging out with friends, Kiyotaka Ishimaru was watching over several students in detention. Some students, like Makoto Naegi, were only in for thirty minutes due to minor offenses, while others had an hour or so. By the time Teruteru had finished dinner, Kiyotaka was _still_ on the detention room, watching over the two remaining students, Mondo and Leon.

Mondo groaned; he hadn't done anything detention worthy that day, or even that week. In fact, he was going to prove to the hall monitor that he could stay out of trouble, however, that backfired when he found out that he had piled up on enough minor offenses to keep him in detention for three hours.

Leon, on the other hand, was actually trying to stack up his detentions and serve them all in one day. Like Mondo, there were an abundance of minor offenses, added on to that one time he threw Yasuhiro's crystal ball down the hallway and had  _accidentally_ hit Headmaster Kirigiri. In all honesty, he didn't mind the detention as much when it was just him, Mondo, and Kiyotaka. Actually, that gave him an idea.

"Hey, Kiyotaka, come over here!", the all-star called out, catching the attention of both the prefect and the biker. "Why? This is not one of your foolish 'pranks', is it?", Kiyotaka questioned. Leon shook his head, "No, no, not at all, just come over.". Sighing, Kiyotaka made his way over to Leon's desk. "Now then, what is the reason you called me over?", the moral compass asked, crossing his arms and staring down at Leon.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that the three of us are pretty manly, huh?", Leon inquired, all too calm. "Fuck, yeah. What's that got ta do wit' anything?", Mondo wondered, whilst making his way to Leon and Kiyotaka. " We're all manly by  _our_ standards, but who's truly the manliest out of us?".

Kiyotaka laughed boisterously. "Is that a rhetorical question? It is obvious that  _I_ am the manliest of us three, after all, at this moment I am in charge of  _you_ , not only showing my authority, but dominance as well!". Mondo rolled his eyes, "Don't credit yerself like that. Yeah, you're in charge, for th' next twenty minutes, but I'm runnin' an entire biker gang! If anyone here's manly, it's me.". Leon smirked, "See? It would be pointless to argue that I'm manlier, because you two have proven my point. Therefore, in order to settle this...dispute, I think a competition is in order.".

"Competition? Please elaborate!", Kiyotaka replied. "With every man's competition, it's the same; who can lift that, who's able to eat this, normal men's things.". "What are ya plannin', Leon?", Mondo asked, a bit nervous. Leon stood up and made his way to the front of the room. "I'm planning a competiton that only a  _real_ man would have the audacity to compete in! One that tests a man physically, mentally, and emotionally.". Leon grabbed a piece of chalk and began writing on the board. "Introducing, the Ultimate Man's Competition!".

Mondo and Kiyotaka stared at each other, then at Leon. "Allow me to explain. Each participant must, one, be a male, and two, be a student here. The task?". Leon paused to finish drawing what looked like a four-year-old's portrait of Hifumi. "Make  _this guy_ fall in love with you!". The prefect and the gang leader cringed. "Uh, Leon, I think I speak fer both Taka an' I when I say, the fuck are ya thinkin?".

Leon chuckled, "Not up to the challenge? I guess that means I wi-". "No ya don't! I jus', uh, wanted ta know th' rules.", Mondo interrupted. "Alright. Any male is allowed to compete, except Chihiro, since he does this on a daily basis, and of course, Hifumi for obvious reasons . Each male is required to have  _one_ wing _woman_ , and once one is claimed, she can't work for anyone else. As for the task itself, you won't be going out with Hifumi yourself, rather you'd go as your  _female_ self".

Kiyotaka shifted his eyes. "Are you proposing we do drag?". Leon scratched his goatee. "One reason we've got a wingwoman. Any other questions?". "Does Hiro count as a wingwoman?", Mondo inquired. Leon thought for a moment. "Sure, why not. By the way, your lady self should have her own name, first and last, and the absolute, number one rule, is don't let Hifumi know. Got it?". Kiyotaka and Mondo gave a nod of confirmation.

"Alrighty then, gentlemen. Let the competition begin!".

 


	2. Momo Oyama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Free cookie for anyone who DOESN'T laugh

Man's Competition? Fine. Dress like a woman? Perfectly okay. Make Hifumi Yamada, a boy obsessed with his 2D girls and Pretty Pudgy Princess, whoever that was, fall in love with him? **EASY**. Mondo Oowada laughed aloud as he head back to his dorm. Forget Kiyotaka and Leon, this entire competition was going to him, no doubt. After all, he was the **MANLIEST** , no matter how many layers of makeup he had on or how short a skirt he wore.

First things first, he needed a wingwoman. There was only one person he thought was best for the job, and that person, without a doubt, was Chihiro Fujisaki. Sure, having an actual wing _woman_ may be more favorable, but Chihiro had been crossdressing since he  _could_ dress, and selling the feminisim with his  **MANLY** body was a job only a crossdressing, drag, whatever expert could manage. Without wasting any time, he texted Chihiro to meet him in his room.

"Hello, Mondo! What's up? Usually when we meet up, it's in a public place.", Chihiro said as he practically intruded Mondo's room (but what could he do about it? He did leave the door unlocked.). "Well, uh...this may sound weird an' shit but," Mondo took in a deep breath, " I need ya ta work yer girly magic an' make me a lady!". "The fuck?", Chihiro questioned, understandibly. "I said...I need ya ta make me a woman.". Chihiro stared at Mondo uncomfortably. "You mean drag?". Mondo scratched his head. "Yeah, that.".

Chihiro relaxed. "Thank god. What made you intetested in doing drag, Mondo?". Oh, boy. This was the ball-kicker (and  _not_ the soccer/fútbol kicker). "Well, 'm doin' a challenge Leon made. Th' Ultimate Man's Competition. We're required ta have a wingwoman an' uh...make Hifumi fall in love wit' us...". Chihiro burst out laughing. "Let me guess, I was omitted from the contest?". Mondo groaned, " Yeah, cause ya dress like a girl every day!". Chihiro snickered, "Wouldn't that...never mind. So, what does Lady Mondo need?".

Mondo thought for a moment. "Well, she can't be Lady Mondo. She's gotta have 'er own name.". Chihiro scratched his chin. "It'd need to be sweet and endearing, but also kinda tough...I think I've got it!" "First  _and_ last?". "Oh...man, Leon's really trying to not get you guys caught. I'll come up with a name later. Right now, we need to work on a wardrobe. One of the defining things that make your  **MANLINESS** _feminine_ is what you wear, so.... _you know what that means!_ ". Mondo groaned, "Shopping?". Chihiro nodded, afterwards saying, "If you're going to win this stupid thing, you better get used to shopping.".

* * *

Chauffered by Taichi Fujisaki, Chihiro and Mondo had gone to Towa Mall, a large complex of stores, restaurants, and shops, each one being of a popular brand. "Is there any reason in particular why you two wanted to go to the-", Taichi asked cheerfully, before Chihiro replied, "Nope! No reason at all! Just two friends hanging out! Okay? Okay! Bye, dad!", whilst ushering Mondo out of the car.

Once inside the mall, Chihiro began pitching his plan. "Contrary to popular belief, seeing isn't beliving; feeling is. That's why, during this shopping trip, we're covering every single possible area! If you feel the lady, you'll _be_ the lady.". Mondo stuck his hands in his pockets. "I get what yer sayin'. So, where're we goin' first?". Chihiro smiled mischeviously.

"Since Lady Mondo's...proportions, are larger than others, I was thinking that maybe we needed to stop by...Victoria's Secret?".  Mondo stopped dead in his tracks. " 'm sorry, what?". "I'm going to explain this in the best ways I can...," Chihiro pressed his hands together, then pointed said hands at Mondo, "Lady Mondo's going to need help 'supporting the ladies'. Holding her 'boulders'. Staying _up there_ and not  _down there_. Covering her 'Akane's'. Her 'training days' are over.". Mondo stared at Chihiro, confused , before the programmer blatantly stated, "Lady Mondo's got huge boobs.".

Mondo covered his face as he blushed. "Are we really goin' there?". Chihiro smiled, "Yes, we are going there, unless, of course, you're admitting defeat.". Mondo removed his hands from his face. "Yay! I wonder if they'll have nice...undergarments, too!".

* * *

 Post returning to Hope's Peak from the mall, (with Mondo's lady items hidden within mediocre shopping bags), the two dumped out all of the items onto Mondo's bed. "Let's see...studded leather jackets, cute tank tops, shoes, shoes, and more shoes, ooh, jeans from Old Navy, nice, also, cute skirts, nice bras, pretty panties, quality makeup, jewelry, wigs that drained the majority of my hacker money, and...Mondo?". The boy in question turned away. "Yeah?". "I thought we decided  _against_ the tiger-print thong?", Chihiro questioned as he held up the shameful thing.

"I couldn't look away from it, like it was callin' ta me or somethin'.", Mondo admitted. Chihiro rolled his eyes, while setting down the piece of revealing clothing. "By the way, I came up with a name for Lady Mondo! How does 'Momo Oyama' sound?". "Sound's fuckin perfect! It's girly an' shit, but like, tough girly, ya know?", Mondo said. "Plus, it'd be cute if Hifumi nicknamed you his little peach!", Chihiro giggled. The biker shrugged, "Ey that's only workin' in my favor. I better text Leon an' Taka.". Chihiro watched as Mondo sent out a message to the other two. "What does it say?", Chihiro inquired.

"That Momo's gonna beat their asses.".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another free cookie if you thought you weren't going to laugh, but totally did.


	3. Kimiko Imamura

As soon as he left the detention room, Kiyotaka began thinking about his plan of attack. The problem? He never really hung out with Hifumi: in fact, their only interactions were in class and ocassionally, detention. As a result of this, he'd need a wingwoman that knew Hifumi  _well_ , knew what he liked, knew what he was into, knew what...oh no. Kiyotaka internally reprimanded himself. It was obvious; his wingwoman  _had_ to be Celetsia Ludenberg, Queen of Lies.

As soon as he saw Chihiro enter Mondo's room, he knew he had to make a move. Gathering his confidence (and losing his sanity), he made his way to Celestia's dorm. "Celestia? Are you in?", he asked as he knocked on the door. "Who is it this time?", the other complained as she opened the door. "Oh, it's my dear, sweet friend Kiyotaka Ishimaru!", Celestia said in the fakest way possible, before returning to her usual displeasured tone. "Seriously, Kiyotaka, why the hell are you here? I have  _better things to do!"._

"May I please go into your room? I have a proposition that may interest you.", Kiyotaka said, a bit uneasy with the way he worded his sentence. Celestia stared the prefect down, contemplating wether this would be worth her time. "Alright. Get in, speak your peace, then leave. I'm currently watching an anime series Hifumi recommended that  _isn't_ awful.". Kiyotaka rolled his eyes, "This anime wouldn't happen to have vampires in it, would it?". The gambler then stuck her metal-clad finger out to the moral compass. "You're treading on thin ice, Kiyotaka!".

Deciding against the argument, Kiyotaka made his way inside Celestia's room. "Actually, this proposition concerns Hifumi. You see...Leon had made this competition, and the Ultimate goal is to get Hifumi to fall in love. Each of us had to have a wingwoman, and we also must be in convincing drag.". Celestia perked up. "A competition, you say? As in, a competition I can bet on? And you are my own little bet? This may be more fun than I thought.". Kiyotaka smiled, "I am glad you're on board!".

Celestia waved her hand dismissively. "It's only for my own personal pleasure of having you as my 'Barbie doll', not anything else. Now then, you need to do this in drag, hmm?". The prefect nodded in confirmation. Celestia twirled her hair drills. "I'm not saying image is everything, but when dealing with Hifumi, you've got to appeal to him in the only way you  _can_. You can have your own personality, that's not an issue. You...hmm...Kimiko...needs to look like an anime girl.".

Kiyotaka was admittedly confused. "Fun fact that you should take to your grave; when I was younger, I had an imaginary friend I named Kimiko Imamura. I never thought I'd actually  _create_ her, much less have  _you_ portray her, but that's besides the point. I'm going to be honest, I don't know anything about anime, and I'm assuming Hifumi can't know anything, yes?". "Unfortunately.". 

Celestia thought for a moment. "That's fine. We can manage. You're not losing this. Let's just work with what we've got. If we go on with a skirt, it's gotta be a pencil skirt, or I guess one of those school girl uniforms that are unrealistically short. Anime girls wear that, I think. As for up top," Celestia gestured to Kiyotaka's chest, "We can go large, but not ridiculous. I'm thinking a 34 C. What about you?". Kiyotaka scratched his chin, "Whatever you think is fine, after all, you are the wingwoman.".

Celestia chuckled darkly. "Don't give me too much freedom with this". Kiyotaka and Celestia then heard the sound of shopping bags and running feet in the hall, and after a quick glance out of the open door, the two saw Chihiro and Mondo hauling an abundance of bags down the hall. "Oh, believe me, be as free with this as you like.", Kiyotaka reassured. "We're talking makeup? Nails? Mani-pedis? Massages? Starbucks?". " _Everything"._


	4. Leiko Kuba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look at all this update. I just want to get to the dates XD

"Oh, Sayaka~! Where are you?", Leon called down the halls. This was his creation, after all, and he knew that this competition would spread through the school like a germ, but as of now, he was against Kiyotaka and Mondo, who were totally worthy adversaries. After all, Kiyotaka was already curvy (not that Leon was looking or anything) and Mondo would obviously have a sizeable bust (not that he was looking at that either), so he needed a secret weapon of he was going to have a chance.

"Sayaka~!". The pop idol groaned aloud, before telling Ibuki, Aoi, and Sakura that she needed to leave from their meal. Annoyed, she looked through the halls for the all-star, catching him before he entered the elevator. "Leon, what the heck? I was enjoying a nice meal with my  _friends_ . Is there any logical reason you're shouting my name down the hall?!". The  ~~fake~~ ginger smirked. "Sayaka! I know you're still mad about that one time I broke your nose-". "By the way, the trial's in two weeks.". "-during athletics, but let's put that behind us for now!".

Sayaka rolled her eyes and pointed to her bandaged nose. "Ask someone else to help you with your sorry life.". "Okay, okay, you seem a little hostile, that's fine. But would you be willing to help a friend of mine? She  _really_ needs it!", Leon pleaded. The blue-haired girl sighed out of frustration, "Fine. Who is she, and what does she need help with?". Leon put his arm around Sayaka's shoulder. "So this chick's name is Leiko Kuba. She's having relationship problems. There's a guy she likes but she's not sure how to steal his heart.". Sayaka tapped her chin. "A common problem. When can I meet her?". Leon then pointed at himself. "You already know her!".

"Wait, what?", the idol questioned. "I've created this competition, the Ultimate Man's Competition. The task is simple, get Hifumi Yamada to fall in love with their female alter ego.", the baseball player explained. "And you want my help?", Sayaka asked rhetorically. "So, by agreeing, I'm allowed to do whatever to you make you Leiko Kuba, but also help out Leiko as if she was a bestie. All for the purpose of showing how  **MANLY** you are? Leon, that's the best thing you thought of?".

Before Leon could reply, Sayaka continued, "This is better than  _any_ money I could have sued you for! Oh, you don't know how close Leiko and I will be! Spa treatments, sleepovers, brunch, oh, we'll do everything! This is what I call 'helpful revenge'. I'll help Leiko win Hifumi, all the while getting revenge for you breaking my nose!". Leon scratched the back of his head, "I'm fine with that. I mean, you're only the second broken nose this year.". "Oh yeah. How much detention did you get for Headmaster Kirigiri's nose, by the way?".

"Just enough to think of this.". Sayaka shook her head, "Whatever! I'll call my agent and tell him to scrap the court date. You and I, or rather, Leiko and I, are going to be the BEST  _BESTIES!_ ".


	5. Operation: Land A Date!

The next day, after class,  the boys and wingwomen met in the detention room (once Kiyotaka was done with his detention, of course). Leon then wrote on the chalkboard "Land A Date With Hifumi". "Now competitors and wingwomen, here is where competition gets interesting, to say the least. Of course, it's where we try to score a date with everyone's favorite weirdo.".

Kiyotaka raised his hand. "Yes?". "Can we get into the rules?". Leon rolled his eyes. "Fine. You and your wingwoman need to stay together, or at least in the same area. Also, you gotta have your lady gear on. You can do anything to convince Hifumi to date you.". The prefect nodded. "Now, uh, I watched a few videos on drag, and I still need help actually  _putting it on_.", Leon admitted, "So this is the only exception to the 'No Helping' rule..".

* * *

Mondo, sorry, Momo felt a little uncomfortable, but that was because she was  _way_ too comfortable in those clothes. Currently, "she" was wearing a normal white tank top, a black leather studded jacket, a black miniskirt with a gold chain, a (thankfully) white bra over his, uh, her (admittedly real) bust, a big, frizzy wig that matched his own hair color, _heavy makeup,_ black stilettos, and the tiger-print thong that Chihiro hated so much.

While it was an ugly process ( cinching his waist, waxing his legs, not to mention having to  _tuck_ a certain something you probably about know into a place he never thought it  _could_ go in order to achieve a feminine outline rather than a  **MANLY** bulge, hint hint), the outcome was actually incredible, and "she" was pretty amazed with Chihiro's work. Now to see if it worked...

"I don't understand, Momo, wouldn't it be easier to test your lady charm on Hifumi rather than the Crazy Daimonds?", Chihiro questioned. " _Yeah, but doing the gang will help me see if I'm unrecognizeable._ ", Momo responded. That was another thing that had changed. Since Mondo's voice was pretty deep at normal volume, Momo's voice had to be significantly quieter. While "her" voice was still deep, the falsetto added in made it more feminine and pleasing to hear.

Chihiro shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you say. It's your logic.". After a minute or two scouring the streets, ~~Mondo~~  Momo found ~~his~~  her gang hanging around an alley. " _There they are. What was that thing you told me?_ ", Momo asked. Chihiro demonstrated every move. "When you get over there, flip your hair, blink three times, look over your shoulder, and put your hand on your hip". " _Ya sure that works?_ ", Momo asked nervously. "It has for me!", Chihiro chirped.

Momo went over the steps in "her" head, then walked over within earshot of hi- her gang. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Simple. Until s/he actually did the combo. Flip, blink, blink, bl- ow! Eyelash! Rub it out! Pay attention to where you're walking! Is that a manhole cover? Don't tri- whoa! Smack!

Momo could feel Chihiro's facepalm from on the asphalt. "Ey, lady, you okay?", s/he heard someone say in a rough voice. Slowly, Momo looked up to see who it was, and thanked everything that it was a Diamond, though that eyelash was still in h/er eye, so it made it difficult to tell who it was exactly. " _Uh, yeah...who are you?_ ". " Name's Shoji,", he said as helped up Momo, taking a moment to examine "her" body, "and you must be an angel, huh?".

" _Actually, I'm Momo..._ ". Shoji nodded, "Believe me, I saw your 'peach'.". Hurriedly, Momo flipped "her" skirt down. "I don't ever remember seein' you around. Ya must be new?". Momo nodded. Man, this was easy-  ah, stupid eyelash! "I can take care o' that.", Shoji said, removing the annoying eyelash from Momo's eye. " _Gah!_ ". Shoji smirked, "Yer all flustered. Cute. Lemme indroduce ya to th' gang.  It's not mine, but 'm sure boss won't mind.".

Confidently placing his arm around Momo's waist, Shoji brought "her" over to the rest of the Daimonds. Almost simultaneously, the alley filled with the sound of whistles and cat-calls (and Takemichi made his way to the back). "Well, well, look what Shoji found.", a Daimond with a particularly riduculous pompadour commented, making Momo feel a little uncomfortable.

"This is Momo uh...". " _Oyama_ ". "Momo Oyama. She's new.". "And gorgeous! Where you from?", a shorter biker asked. " _Oh, I'm from..._ ". "Is that really important? I'd like ta know if she's free tonight.", a paler Daimond purred, winking at the "lady". "Hey, I saw her first, Kazuki!", Shoji growled, afterward, all the Crazy Daimonds (minus Takemichi) swarming over the "girl". 

" _You know what? My friend's waiting for me, I gotta go!_ ", Momo informed, before escaping the swarm and taking off toward Chihiro. "  _Run, Hiro!_ ". "How'd it go?", Chihiro asked as he ran beside Momo. "I'm a better lady than I thought!", s/he replied in Mondo's natural voice.

* * *

 Kimiko felt espesially brave. Celestia was the closest to Hifumi after all, so everything was in "her" favor. Of course, if everything was in "her" favor, why was Celestia taking her to a nightclub? "Celestia," Kimiko said in the uncomfortably high French accent Celestia begged her to use, "I think I should ask Hifumi out now. Could we please return to Hope's Peak?". Celestia rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding? You need to have fun like this. It'll sharpen your skills.".

"Sharpen my skills?". "As a  _woman_. After all, you want to win this, don't you? Besides, you're getting looks.". Kimiko then scoured the area with her eyes, almost tripping over "her" thigh-high black heeled boots. S/he then dusted "her"self off, while taking a moment to straighten the ridiculous Sailor Moon-like black pigtails on "her" head and remove the creases from "her" red button-down blouse and white pencil skirt.

Once done with "her" maintenance, s/he continued the conversation. "Even if I wanted to go to a nightclub, I am positive we would not be granted admission!". Celestia then winked mischeviously, letting Kimiko know she had something up her sleeve. At the nightclub (a block or two away from Hope's Peak), Celestia grabbed Kimiko by the wrist and drug "her" to the front. The bouncer looked at the two, exchanging glances between Celestia and Kimiko. "Got I.D.?".

"Why wouldn't we?", the gambler replied, producing two realistic fake I.D.'s. "Alright. Have fun.". Kimiko's eyes widened, and Celestia had to snatch back the I.D. cards and drag "her" inside before she could say anything. "Celestia! That is illegal!", Kimiko shouted over the booming music. "Who's Celestia? As of right now, I'm Taeko Yasuhiro, and  _you_ are to have fun.", the other replied as she removed the two drills from her hair. "Now run along! I'll be over here.".

Kimiko pouted. This was definately  _not_ the way s/he thought this plan would go; now s/he was illegally in a nightclub with Hifumi nowhere in sight, and the more and more she looked at herself in a reflective surface, the more s/he looked like a little girl attempting to be a teenager (which made sense, being s/he never asked what age Kimiko actually  _was_ , and Celestia had made the makeup look way too natural) which made Kimiko all the more uncomfortable.

"Hey. Aren't you a litte too young to be in here?". Great. Perfect even. "Uh, yes, yes, sorry, I'll-". "Oh no, it's fine, I won't tell.". Crisis adve- wait, huh? "I'm Haiji Towa. What's your name?". "Kimiko Imamura.". If "her" looks didn't say little girl, that stupid voice would've by now. "How old are you?". Kimiko looked at the man. He didn't look like the law, and he  _seemed_ trustworthy, and besides the Towa family ran the city, right. Even still, "I'd rather not say.". "That's fine, Kimiko. Hey, why don't you stick with me for a while?", Haiji asked. Kimiko smiled, then nodded politely. Maybe this wasn't so bad.

* * *

 

Leiko sighed. What the heck were those other two and their wingwomen doing outside of the school anyway? The job was easy, and yet they found a way to make it more complicated. Classic Mondo and Kiyotaka, or Momo and Kimiko in this case. Sayaka stood near the dining area door, giving Leiko the okay s/he'd been waiting for.

This was it. This was hard work, layers of makeup to hide that goatee, a miniskirt, fishnets, Converse sneakers, a Paramore t-shirt, ponytails, and studded bracelets about to leave their mark on a certain doujinshi author. With the sway of "her" hips and the click of "her" tongue piercing, s/he strutted her way over to Hifumi, who was currently engrossed in a bento box.

"Hey. I'm Leiko. Let's say, you and me, Music Fest this Friday in Serenity Park?", the "girl" whispered into Hifumi's ear. "Gah!! Ahh...". Leiko took pride in Hifumi's blush. "Well, I don't know all that much about music...or you...how'd you get in here?", the doujin author asked suspisiously. "Oh, Sayaka snuck me in. We're like, best friends. While I was leaving, I couldn't help but notice you over here by yourself. So, what do you say?".

Hifumi thought for a moment while stuffing a pork bun into his mouth. "I suppose I could...at what time?". Leiko tapped "her" chin. "Oh, around five or six in the afternoon.". Hifumi nodded, "I'll be there! Now, please leave before you're caught.". Leiko winked and blew a kiss before leaving the room. "All too easy.".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By reading the Tag update, you'll see why Anonymous's chances of going to heaven have declined. I smell the hate already. Remember, this is still crack, just, well written crack.


	6. Leiko's Date (and other miscellaneous happenings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-Out to the Kiyotaka Ishimaru/Kimiko Imamura protection squad in the comment section from last chapter! You know who you are :) .

'RULES OF DATING' is what Leon wrote on the chalkboard the next day. "Why do we gotta know this? You got th' date, so ya win.", Mondo complained. "That's the way things seem, isn't it? But remember, the goal is to get him to say those three magic words; I love you.", Leon remended him. "Now we all know that being attractive to other men is a difficult task-". "Acutally, I have managed to catch someone's eye!", Kiyotaka bragged. "Oh yeah, and my gang's been lookin' up my skirt.", Mondo said, just as confident.

Leon rolled his eyes, "That's because you wasted time wherever! I got to work! Asserted myself! Though Hifumi was uncomfortable...but whatever! Anyway, the RULES OF DATING. This can be a little incentive since ya know, we can't all date Hifumi at one given time. For every guy you can get to  _date_ you is ten points,  for every guy you can get to say those three words is twenty points, for every guy you get to  _kiss_ you is thirty points, and requests for any other physical contact is forty points and up.".

Kiyotaka thought a moment. "So you're saying that...we should build up a relationship, then completely destroy it?". "Yeah! Besides, it's not like they'll want you without the makeup, wigs, and lingere.", Leon pointed out. "And what if they do?", Kiyotaka contradicted. Leon rolled his eyes, "We'll get to that later! Where the hell are the wingwomen? I've got a date in two hours!". As soon as Leon was finished, the three wingwomen burst through the door with outfits, makeup, and some Starbucks. "Looking for us?".

* * *

 

Chihiro sat on ~~Mondo~~ Momo's living room couch (the one in "her" and "her" brother's apartment.). Luckily, Daiya was at work, so he wasn't going to catch a glimpse of his 'sister'. "Momo, what are you doing?", the programmer asked after a while. " _Trying to style this huge fuckin' wig into a pompodour!_ " , 'she' answered, clearly struggling. "Do you need help? I can-".  _Click!_ Uh oh. Momo stopped in 'her' tracks. The click of the door was all too familiar, and since only two people had keys...

"Ey, Hiro! Ain't seen you here in a while!", Daiya greeted. "Yeah...heh...don't you have work?", Chihiro inquired stiffly. Daiya smirked, "My shift ends early on Fridays. Say...if yer in here, then Mondo ain't too far away!". He was right; Mondo, er, Momo was in the bathroom trying his, ugh, her hardest not to scream in agony. "Oh...I see. Yer playin' hide 'n seek! I guess we gotta find 'im, huh.". Anxious, Chihiro replied, "Sure! Nothing like apartment hide and seek...".

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Momo held the doorknob tightly, as there was no lock. What was  ~~he~~ she going to do?! Act like a complete stranger and risk having  ~~his~~ her brother fall for 'her', or tell the truth and suffer whatever embarrassing punishment Daiya could think of (and God, could he think of some good embarrassment). It was a good thing  ~~he~~ she decided to wear that really pretty long sleeved purple knee-length dress with the gold sequin highlights and those black stockings; at least no flashing would happen.

"Aha! There ya are Mondo!". "Wait Daiya, don't you want to check the hall closet again?". This was it, in a few seconds, the door would fly open, and Daiya would flip out over what was residing inside (e.i. Momo, not Mondo). "Haha! I fou- oh my motorcycle.". Daiya was understandibly shocked...for like, a second. "Mondo! Little bro! Or little sis, I guess. Does it matter? Whatever. Look how beautiful you are! I was beginnin' ta think you'd be ugly yer whole life.". Momo chuckled in 'her'  natural voice. "Funny, Daiya. Go ahead, crack yer jokes, I ain't carin'." .

The elder brother shook his head. "Ya really think I'm lettin' this happen without a story? C'mon, there's a reason ya look like that, why don't tell me?". Against his, um, her better judgement, he revealed everything, from the Ultimate Man's Competition, to that one encounter with Shoji Yoko, which Daiya found particularly hilarious, to the fact that he uh she was preparing to ask Shoji on a date. "Aw, lil' sis Momo...don't ya know, if yer gonna date one of those bad bikers, they're gonna have to get through big sister!". "Yeah, I kno- wait WHAT?!".

* * *

 Leiko toyed with "her" phone. Where was Hifumi? Did s/he throw him off by saying Friday instead of tomorrow? Did he not know where s/he was? Could Hifumi have possibly...no, nope, nada, no way, no how did Hifumi Yamada, round, doujin author with a taste for potato chips stand hi..her up on this. Come on, it was Serenity Park, filled with upcoming musical artists, cool merchendice, actual people that can actually talk to you face to face and _not_ through a screen. What was there not to like? Sayaka came running towards Leiko excitedly, derailing "her" train of thought.

"Eee! Leiko, I've been having the  _greatest_ time! A whole squad of Sayakers came towards me, just begging for autographs, photos, ohh......you should have been there! ". Leiko shrugged, "Fun. Here's the thing. I...haven't been having fun. You know why? A certain someone has not appeared yet, and the Music Feastival ends in an hour! We've been here since five, Sayaka! Five! Now it's almost seven!". The blue haired idol nodded in understanding of Leiko's dilemma. "I totally understand. I've been on dates where guys and girls didn't show up at all. Are you sure you haven't seen him?".

Leiko shook "her" head. "You know what," Sayaka stated, "I have his phone number! I'll just call and ask what he's up to.". Sayaka walked over to the park's enterance, away from all of the partying and music, then whipped out her smartphone and speed-dialed Hifumi. "Yes? Who has called me on my cellular device?", the squeaky voice chimed in on the other end. "It's Sayaka Maizono, your friend! Now, I just wanted to ask-". "I stood her up.". "-about I'm sorry what the hell?". "I. Stood. Her. Up.", Hifumi repeated, afterward bursting into a fit of giggles. "Hehehehe! I feel so bad! I mean, good bad. Like I'm a delenquent in a dramatic school anime that gets the ladies! I can't belive I actually shot down a date. With a hot girl!!".

Sayaka blinked, then reviewed what the ever loving duck, yes, duck, was going on? Hifumi stood Leiko up...on purpose?! "Miss Sayaka Maizono? Are you-". Honestly, the idol was confused. The "girl" was hot...so you stood her up instead of taking the date just so you'd seem cool?! What logic was that?!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, no Hajishi this time around. So I decided to spare him (s/he was with Celeste in a nail salon). *looks around for Haiji killers*


	7. Big Sis Daiana's Rules For Dating

Momo couldn't believe this was happening. Never in a million years would she think that her  ~~brother~~ sister would actually join in  ~~his~~ her activities, yet here she was helping him, uh, her into a corset. Dai..ana...didn't have any clothes of "her" own, so Momo had to share, which would've worked better if Daiana hadn't chosen the _tightest-_ fitting clothes Momo had (and  _no,_ there was no way s/he was sharing the tiger print thong, no matter how much Daiana begged).

Now here Momo, Chihiro and Daiana were, about to intrude on the Crazy Diamonds (well, not really  _intrude_ , but technically, yeah), and personally, the first drag sister and her wing"woman" hoped that Daiana wouldn't do anything devious, or in their case, humiliating. Cue Daiana clinging onto 'her sister' like a teddy bear and cooing into Momo's ear things like,  _"Did you wear a nice bra? Are your nails done? Do you have your makeup bag with you in case I see someone I like?"._

Once the trio had come across the gang in the alleyway, the older 'sister' thought that the best way to catch the attention of the bikers was to forcefully push Momo out front, knowing that  ~~he~~ she was wearing quite a tall pair of heels, and was very prone to  _falling_. Luckily(?), Shoji was there to catch 'her' before  ~~he~~ she fell. 

"Well, well, if it isn't my lil' angel again.", Shoji greeted, pulling back Momo's hair right before Daiana swept in and knocked Momo to the ground and offered 'her' hand for Shoji to shake.  _"My, my, I don't think we met yet! I'm Daiana, Momo's older sister!"_. When Momo attempted to get up, Daiana placed her heel firmly on Momo's back, leaving the younger sibling to squirm, and Chihiro to cringe.  _" **Shake my hand if you know what's good for you** "._

Nervously, Shoji delicately shook Daiana's handl  _"Good, good! It's nice meeting my little sister's male friends!",_ Daiana clamored, kicking Momo's butt before finally allowing 'her' up. "Uh, yeah. Nice ta meet ya, too, Daiana.". Giggling obnoxiously, Daiana replied,  _"What a sweetheart! You can call me Didi!"._ Once Momo brushed off the asphalt on 'her' clothes, Daiana, er, Didi clung on to her arm.  _"Nice boys. I wouldn't be suprised if they wanted to date you, little peach!"._

One by one, the Diamonds surrounded Momo, only to be warded off by a hiss from Didi.  _"Just like I thought. Absolute pigs, all of them. Why, oh why do you have to fall for these bad boys, Momo?"._ Lovingly, 'she' yanked Momo's hair, causing the 'sister' to shriek.  _"Oh well. Look's like big sis Daiana will have to step in! After all, it seems like all of you want a bite of this juicy fruit, hmm?"._ Enthusiastic cheers rose from the crowd, causing Momo to blush.  _"Hehe! Looks like I'll have to go over Big Sis Daiana's Rules For Dating!"._

Daiana then grabbed Daiana's shoulders and had her back(?) facing the gang. _"Rule number one;",_ Daiana paused to lift Momo's skirt and flash the Crazy Daimonds with 'her sister's' trademark tiger-print thong, earning a ton of whistles and a distressed,  _"DAIANA!"_. _"...Keep your filthy eyes off of my baby sister's ass, ya perverts! Your eyes should be admiring her beauty, not her booty."._ After letting go of Momo's skirt, Didi brought 'her sister' in for a hug. _"Rule number two; love  my lil sis right. Hug her, kiss her, get her flowers, cotton candy, a maltese puppy, stuff she likes!"._

 _"Rule number three, keep your eyes off of other girls."._ Daiana paused to push up 'her' bra and stick out his...her tongue, earning a few catcalls herself.  _"Rule number four, keep all those violent gangsters away from my sweet little sister! Normally, this rule would apply to you, but I like your gang."._ Both Momo and Chihiro rolled their eyes.  _"Finally, rule five... **IF YOU HURT MOMO IN ANY WAY, I WILL HAVE YOU TIED TO THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE AND DRUG FROM HERE TO FUJI, GOT IT?!** " . _Shaking, the gangsters nodded.

_"Good! We're going to the Karaoke Bar on Sunday! Be there~"._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY THIS FIC ISN'T DEAD!!


End file.
